


Growing Pains

by Anonymous



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: EJ Cullen - Freeform, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Misgendering, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-17 20:52:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9343655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Bella had pictured a baby boy with green eyes and unruly hair. She gets everything right except for the eyes.





	1. Chapter 1

Renesmee liked the way her hair looked. It was the same shade as her father’s, a bronze color that filled her chest with pride when people complimented,“Your hair is so gorgeous!” In the same way they appraised father’s hair. She loved being like him. And although she loved her Mama very much, she could not say the same for the color of her eyes, the same shade as hers when people cooed:

"So pretty!”

“Just like your mom!”

But, because it made her feel guilty, and because she did not want to upset father, she never voiced her discomfort. She knew that initially her father felt like she would be a danger of some sort before she was born, and she didn’t want to give Edward cause for concern. She didn’t want him to think that she did not love her, that wasn’t the case at all and it wasn’t that she hated being compared to her either. After all, Renesmee liked reading just the same as her Mama so that couldn’t be it.

“Your hair is so pretty…” Aunt Rose smiled as she ran a brush through it after a shower that left it wet and easy to comb through.

It was then Renesmee decided.

It was being called _pretty._

Having Mama’s eyes had nothing to do with it.

The feeling intensified in such a short time, as short a time as it took for Renesmee's body to grow. Things added onto each other building and building and building, until everything was awkward. Wrong. Grandpa Carlisle said that it was _because_ Renesmee's body grew too fast, bringing about growing pains, never having enough time to adjust to height and weight. But that wasn’t it because even the name _Renesmee_ became irksome and not because of the way people’s noses crinkle in confusion at the sound of it and asked,”Come again?”

Mama put thought into the name, and it would hurt her so bad if she found out Renesmee hated it like the way Renesmee never told father about how the pretty brown eyes he formerly adored in Bella and now his child were actually hated for being so… pretty.

“Did you ever think of naming me something different, Mama?” Renesmee asked as nicely as possible so Bella didn’t pick up on the idea that the name was displeasing and uncomfortable. It sounded so ugly and not because it was a made up name. Lots of names were made up just the same and sounded just fine. There was a girl in the same class named Kayxleigh spelled with a silent x and pronounced ‘Shay-Lay’ and that was pretty strange, stranger than Renesmee.

Bella nevertheless frowned, a hurt look on her face, setting down the poetry book she had been reading aloud for bedtime.

“Have people been teasing you?’

“No-”

“Do you not like your name then?”

“No, Mama! I was just… I was just wondering. Don’t be sad.” Renesmee pleaded, flashing Bella the ol’ puppy dog eyes that automatically worked no matter who they were directed at. They could probably make the stone cold Romanian coven crack if applied full force hehe... 

Bella pursed her lips before finally admitting,”I thought you were going to be a boy before you were born. We never knew for sure. I was going to name you Edward Jacob. EJ for short.”

Renesmee's heart fluttered. Being named after them would have been the highest honor, they were the people Renesmee loved the most. Grandma Renèe sounded nice, but that was all. She _sounded_ nice, but they never had a connection. Because of the rapid growth spurts, she was someone Renesmee could never meet. It would be too hard to explain to her. Edward Jacob. _EJ._ The name was really nice.

“You did?”

“I did, but before that, I just called you my little Nudger.” Bella laughed, combing her fingers through Renesmee's hair lovingly,”Why were you wondering? You can tell me if someone’s making fun of you at school. Uncle Em will go have a talk with them.”

Renesmee giggled at the thought of Uncle Em showing up to the same school and trying to fit in the same small desks only made to seat 12 and 13 year olds. He would probably break a lot of pencils too, and knock everything over trying to pass out papers.

“No, that’s okay.” Renesmee said after a moment of laughing,”Nobody is making fun of me.”

 

They did begin to when a boy snatched Renesmee's notebook, reading over the countless times the name _Edward Jacob_ had been scrawled onto it in different styles.

“Who’s _Edward Jacob?_ Your boyfriend?” He sneered.

Renesme never felt bloodlust for a human before, but in the anger that suddenly flared it was easy to be found, like it had been there all along.

“Give. It. Back!”

The boy was on his back, his nose bleeding profusely as he cried on the floor, but Renesmee was the one who got in trouble.

“He took my notebook!”

“You could have _killed_ him.”

“Good. He deserved it. Maybe he won’t go stealing stuff anymore!”

It was no use to explaining to Edward on the ride home after being suspended for a week. Renesmee could keep yelling, face already turning red from frustration, because he wouldn’t listen!

“Whether or not he deserved it is not what is currently up for discussion, Renesmee. The point is that he is a human boy and you are _not_ human. You could have killed him and exposed yourself! Do you want to give the Volturi a reason to try and confront us again?” Edward asked furiously, and Renesmee had never seen him so angry,“Do you want to ruin our still too fragile peace because of a temper tantrum?”

"Why do you care?! You _wanted_ me to die!” Renesmee screamed at him, and it isn’t like in the books and movies where people say things because they’re angry and don’t mean them (like how father is being overly harsh because he’s only worried), they are genuine words with years of keeping things bottled up inside fueling them,”Maybe I _do_ want them to come! They’ll come kill me and then you and Mama, My Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents wouldn’t have to worry about having such a freak like me around to put you all in danger!”

Father saw vampires all as soulless monsters, and if that was true, where did Half vampires fit into this equation? Half a monster, half not, always flawed in that Renesmee could never be completely damned or saved. Stuck. Like an internal limbo. Maybe that was the reason behind why, Nessie or the other half vampires should have never existed in the first place, they messed with the balance of the world and so maybe this was the world’s way of rejecting them, making it so they didn’t fit into their bodies smoothly-

“Love…” Edward looked pained by the wounded thoughts running through Nessie’s head,”How long have you felt this way?”

Edward’s voice was quiet, words whispered gently, but even though it was so soft it was so shattering and Renesmee finally broke, huge tears rolling down the eyes he loved so much.

He stopped the car immediately to hug his baby tightly, rubbing Nessie’s back soothingly until the crying stopped.

 

It was hard to keep secrets from a mindreading father. Edward had to give credit where credit was due; it took _skill_ to keep him from finding out about things.

Bella was out on a rare hunt without him when they arrived home the same afternoon, after the incident at school. She was most likely giving them their space so that they could settle things out themselves. Something like cooling off time.

But Edward was not mad or punishing. He had been overreacting, something his siblings said he tended to do. He had only been worried. But Children got into fights, it wasn’t something the Volturi would come marching in for. In hindsight, that brat of a child got what he deserved. His eyes roamed over the notebook that had caused all the trouble, reading over the name written on the inside of the cover with deep care.

“So Edward Jacob Cullen, hm?” He murmured, setting the notebook down on the kitchen counter, trading it shiny silver scissors that had never touched a strand of hair. Vampire hair did not grow and so there had been no need before now.

EJ nodded his head almost shyly.

“I was wrong before. About vampires. Something like you or your mother could never _really_ be damned. I never knew you felt that way either. I suppose that’s my fault,” He offered a crooked smile,”I suppose out of everything you could have inherited from me it had to be my self loathing. But I don’t ever want you hating _yourself,_ I would never want that from you.”

“Because I’m a part of Mama?” 

  
“No, because you’re you.” Edward opened and closed the scissors,”Now how do you want it?”

“Can I get it like yours? Pleaaase?”

Edward chuckled.

 

EJ’s bronzey hair was clipped as short as his father’s in a manner of seconds because of vampiric speed. It became unruly and wild in its freed state and he wondered whether or not his Mama would like it. His stomach tied itself into knots at the thought of her rejecting it and him.

“You know she’ll love you no matter what, EJ.” His dad soothed him, pulling him into his lap so that he could stroke his hair. EJ couldn’t bring himself to feel embarrassed. He felt that maybe he was too old to be comforted like this. He grew too fast, had never really had the time to enjoy his parents’ hugs when reaching the same physical age where most kids were supposed to be growing out of their parents’ embraces.

“Before I got to know you, when I made the mistake of thinking you were something bad,” Edward tried to word everything carefully,”When we first found out about you, it was your mom that was more welcoming than me.”

"She… wanted me?”

“I think she would have run me over with the Volvo for you.”

EJ giggled at the mental picture a little more at ease enough to scrunch his nose,”That wouldn’t have hurt you though.”

“It’s the thought that counts.” Edward shrugged, ruffling his hair up.

Edward got up out of the couch when he heard Bella approaching, carefully setting EJ down so that he could talk with her outside for a moment. EJ tensed up again, biting his lip in nervousness. Of course she would like him, he told himself, willing himself to believe in his father’s words. She had wanted him from the start, before even his father’s unconditional love had extended to him too.

He heard the sound of his mother walking into the living room, and he opened his eyes, not having realized that he had shut them. He looked at her anxiously waiting to see what she would say, yet not quite meeting her gaze.

"You know, I _told_ them all that I was going to have a boy.” She mused, walking over so that she could crouch down and kiss his forehead.

”My Edward Jacob.”

 

Aunt Rose and Aunt Alice absolutely hate his hair when they see it the next day, but both for entirely different reasons.

“Edward! Who styled his hair? A monkey with a hacksaw?!” Alice looked outraged, and Edward a little offended.

Aunt Rosalie doesn’t say anything. She justs walks out of the room, making EJ’s heart sink to the pit of his stomach. He feels his eyes sting a little bit but he doesn’t get enough time to dwell on it.

“Come on sweetie. You’re not going to walk around with a rat’s nest for hair!” She declared, pulling him along to the bathroom,”You should be ashamed Edward! Even with a sister like me you wouldn’t know good hair if it bit you in the a- er Neck.”

She began to clip and comb EJ’s hair flashing him a toothy smile,”And I have it on good authority that he _was_ bit in the neck by it. Your Grandpa... now he has style.”

EJ giggled, liking the way Aunt Alice’s comb went through his hair, styling it into tameness. He had liked it when his hair was long, and he found that it didn’t change now either. He closed his eyes, but it did not completely distract him from how Aunt Rosalie just left the room at the sight of his now short hair.

When Alice is finished, EJ’s hair was no longer messy. She handed him a mirror to let him see, and his eyes go wide. It doesn’t look quite like his father’s anymore, and the thought made him a little disappointed. Instead it looked neater, while retaining the curls that made him look more childlike.

“You look so cute!” She squealed and took a picture of him. EJ gave the cameraphone a crooked grin, flashing all his teeth because of how _happy_ he was. She captioned it: _Baby Boy’s first haircut._

By then Aunt Rosalie had returned. She had a few bags of clothing.

“We can’t leave your mom and dad to buy you things,” She said disgustedly,”They look like they get their clothing from a back alley.”

They made him try on different types of clothing, throwing into a pile the ones they were choosing to donate to charity because they agreed it didn’t suit him. But nothing could be so perfect. There always had to be something wrong, because the world never wanted things to go smoothly for him.

“I’ll miss your hair long.” Aunt Rosalie sighed, almost like she was disappointed. EJ wasn’t sure how he was supposed to feel about her words. They didn’t make him feel alright inside. He frowned at her confused. Hadn’t they been having fun?

“It looks better this way though, don’t you think?” Alice told her meaningfully, having seen the look on his face.

“Yes… Yes of course.” Rose seemed to snap out of whatever thoughts she had been distracted by,”He looks… so much more handsome.”

That didn’t make him feel better.

 

EJ still liked the color pink. Walking into his room that night was hard though. His walls are pink, his bed is made of different shades of purple. Those were his favorite colors, but Aunt Rosalie’s words replayed in his head that night making sleep come harder.

'I’ll miss your hair long.’

 

‘I’ll miss your hair long.’

 

‘I’ll miss your hair long-’

 

In the morning he wakes up to Emmett sitting on his floor, toying with a lava lamp on his bedside.

“Uncle Em?” He asked, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“Heard you got into your first fight yesterday! You kick some ass?”

EJ tried to stifle his giggles, knowing that fighting was the whole reason his father had been so angry at him. He answered as honestly as he could though anyway,”I made him cry...”

“Atta Boy!” Emmett patted his back making EJ laugh again but then pause as he took in the sight of the pink lava lamp in Emmett’s hands.

“What?” Emmett asked, turning the lamp in his hands,”Pink is my favorite color.”

That was why he was here then. EJ guessed that his dad had called him in to make him feel better, having heard his thoughts about his former favorite color.

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better…”

“Nah, it really is. You know what’s pink? Bubblegum. I used to love bubblegum when I was human. I probably got cavities from it but I didn’t care…”

“Really?” EJ asked dubiously, fidgeting with his purple bed sheets.

“I don’t _lie_ to make people feel better. I did like bubblegum, it always came with the best baseball cards. You get how crazy this family is about baseball. It’s mostly ‘cause I got them into it, I used to play for fun when I was a kid and I pretended I was chewing like the professionals.” He gave EJ a winning grin,”Doesn’t hurt that your Aunt Rose thinks I’m pretty hot when I wear it.”

“Uncle Em!” EJ wrinkled his nose, covering his face,”TMI!”

“Don’t worry. One day you too, will look…. _almost_ as good as I do.”

“What are you talking about, Emmett?” Rosalie walked in, a musical look about the she walked,”He already looks better. No thanks to his parents. Come on EJ, it’s time for breakfast.”

She picked him up, even though he was too old for that already. He didn’t protest though because he was pretty hungry.  For some reason, everyone in the family liked to carry him around. For Rosalie, it was because EJ grew too fast for her liking, and she wanted to hold him while she still was able to.

His Mama took him out of school, and they moved somewhere new. It made him feel relieved that he did not have to confront the boy who had made fun of his notebook. They always had to move around anyway because of how fast EJ grew, so it wasn’t a big difference. Sometimes he lamented the fact that he could not keep friends, even long distance. If not for Jake, he would feel… alone. He can’t even say he had Jacob to confide in, so close to his parents that it was like having a big brother. Someone EJ couldn’t tell secrets to because they wouldn’t stay secrets long.

Jake had obviously been informed of what was going on, didn't bat an eye at EJ’s manner of dress, but that didn't mean he was very understanding. He’s EJ’s best friend though. He was supposed to be.

“You cut your hair.” He said on the way to his new school,”I liked your hair Ness.”

“It’s EJ… My name.” He mumbled, looking down at his shoes. They were pink Nikes that matched Emmett’s. They were both wearing them today even if EJ would be at school today.

“What was wrong with the way you were before?” He asked, still not understanding,”I liked the way you were before.”

“I didn’t. I still don’t.” EJ mumbled, displeased not just with how he looked but by his status as a half vampire still, but slowly getting better about it,”I always feel like I don’t belong, because I’m not human or a vampire. I’m a… I’m weird. This way I feel a little better. Like I’m exactly how I’m supposed to be.”

“But you’re perfect, Ness. It doesn’t matter that you’re half vampire-”

“EJ,” He corrected again, getting annoyed with doing so,”Please don’t call me that.”

“Is this because you don’t like your _name_?” Jacob asked incredulously,”Because this is too far for disliking your name.”

“I didn’t like my name before,” EJ agreed,”I didn’t like _myself_ before. The name wasn’t right because I’m a boy Jake.”

“No you’re _not_ , Ness. I was _there_ when you were born!”

“Why are you being such a jerk!?” EJ punched him in the arm, but it only hurt Jacob little, not even a real sting. It hurt his own hand from hitting though, he ignored the throbbing sensation it left his hand with.

“Because you’re not making sense, Ness. You were fine the way you were before.”

“I _am_ the way I was before! I like all the same things as I did before, I’m still me. You’re the one who’s acting different!” EJ protested, looking at his slowly purpling knuckles. He couldn’t find it in himself to care though. It would make him look tough anyway,” And it’s EJ. Nessie is The Loch Ness Monster! My name is _Edward Jacob_!”

He thought Jake would feel happy that EJ wanted to be named after him. Now though, he wasn’t even sure he even wanted to be named after Jacob anymore.

“You’re supposed to be my best friend.” EJ said accusingly, rubbing his knuckles softly,”You were supposed to understand how I felt. But I don’t want to be your friend anymore. You’re just _mean.”_

Guilt crossed Jacob’s features as he pulled up to the school. EJ did not wait for his response before sliding out of the car, grabbing his backpack as he made his way to the entrance. If Jacob wanted to be that way then fine. EJ would just have to find a new best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) lemme be honest that Imprinting thing is weird to me. But if imprinting on someone means being whatever that person wants, then sibling affection is pretty sweet. 
> 
> 2) To me, Jacob always had a hard time with dealing with change... granted it was supernatural change and not common things.
> 
> 3) inspired by [this](http://panlight.tumblr.com/post/114406773451/if-renesmee-turned-out-to-be-ej-do-you-think-that)
> 
> 4) None of this is beta read


	2. Chapter 2

On the first day of school, EJ scouted the other students, trying to decide who was best friend material. A lot of kids had yet to figure out what deodorant was, so he immediately ruled them out. He could only stand that stench for so long before it was too much. Vampiric senses were a gift and a pain at the same time.

The teachers were really nice. They let him pick where to sit since it was his first day and EJ always took the one by the window, as he loved the daylight even though there was never enough sun to his liking.

He was popular only because he was a new boy. Nobody made fun of him because he couldn’t participate in gym. Carlisle had written up the excuse of extreme asthma so that his vampiric abilities wouldn’t slip in the middle of class. Sometimes he wished he could play sports. He couldn’t with his family because they were too fast, and he couldn’t with humans because _he_ was too fast.

Nevertheless, he makes friends who are _much_ better than Jacob. It’s very easy for him too, in a span of a few weeks he talks to more people than he can count, and a lot of them want to come over to his house which EJ has a hard time making his parents budge on.

“Why can’t my friends come over?” EJ demanded of his father, looking more sad than annoyed.

“You know why, EJ.”

“But they don’t know about Vampires…” EJ pleaded, flashing him his best puppy eyes that he knew had to work,”They don’t know about me… or anything.”

“I’ll make you a deal.” Edward settled on, because the mutt had been annoying him with his moping and sullen thoughts as of late (not that Edward thought it was undeserved),”Talk things out with Jacob and you can invite some friends over. No more than four. We aren’t throwing a party.”

“I don’t want to talk with Jacob though,” EJ said stubbornly, crossing his arms,”He’s stupid and _old._ ”

The way EJ spoke of his former friend, like a discarded toy, unnerved Edward even just a little bit, not much though because it was _Jacob_ his son was speaking of.

“I don’t disagree but nevertheless I think you should speak with him because I know you only feel that way because you care about him and you feel hurt.” Edward said, flashing EJ a lopsided smile,”Believe me, If I felt you didn’t care for him, I’d have maimed the mutt myself for upsetting you. But I know that you do…”

EJ then looked annoyed and nodded.

He finally spoke to Jacob. Not because EJ wanted to, but because that was how much he valued the friendship of his _other_ friends. At least, that’s what he told himself.

 The house was eerily silent but he knew his family was listening in on their conversation. It should have made him feel uncomfortable, but he knew he had their support and so instead the silence was comforting. It was the couch that was uncomfortable, but only because Jacob was occupying the other end of it.

“My daddy says I _have_ to talk to you.” EJ said grudgingly, making sure the unwillingness was laced in his tone.

Jacob chuckled, but it sounded forced to EJ.

“You sound like one of those spoiled rich brats on TV,” Jake explained,”Like what was that guy… from the Harry Potter movies we used to watch…”

“Draco Malfoy.”

“Yeah. I guess it’s not too far off though. Your family is pretty loaded.”

EJ nodded silently, stubbornly even though in his head he protested that he was not spoiled. He was very grateful for the things his family got him, and grateful for his family in general. He toyed with a loose string on the couch’s armrest.

“ EJ, listen… I wasn’t right when I said those things.”

At least he was getting it right this time. EJ still remained silent, waiting for him to go on. That was an apology true, but it sucked as an Apology that was for sure. He crossed arms over his chest and finally looked at him.

“You were right. I was a jerk. I just… I was being _so_ stupid, okay? You know me. I run my mouth without thinking it through sometimes. I just… I thought you were going to change too much and I love you the way you are. But I was wrong. You’re still you. Please… forgive me?”

“No. I don’t.” EJ told him his eyes glimmering with tears he refused to show, making Jacob’s face fall,”I don’t forgive you because you were supposed to be my brother and you made me feel bad about something that made me really insecure. I don’t make fun of you for being a werewolf, or for stinking really badly, or snoring too loud because _brothers don’t do that.”_

“I’m so sorry.” Jacob said pleadingly,”I never meant to make you feel that way. Like I said, I was being an idiot and talking out of my ass.”

“You were.” EJ agreed, trying very hard not to give into crying,”I can’t forgive you yet. But one day I might. If you stop being mean and start acting like my friend again."

Jacob reached over to give him a hug. EJ smashed his face into his chest. He wasn't crying, he was through crying about the world he was born into. He just hadn't known that he really _didn’t_ like fighting with Jacob, and that he really really missed him these past few weeks too...

“I’m whatever you need me to be. That’s what I promised anyway and I’m sorry I broke that promise. Really sorry buddy, don't be upset…” He rubbed his back comfortingly.

Things didn’t feel right, but they were _getting there._


End file.
